How To Cure Moustache Envy

And it was only fifty cents! But I'm pretty sure a real one wouldn't come off when you puke in your sleep after 11 Milwaukee's Best(s?). So color me still envious.

Our New Best Friends

Das Racist! of the illuminating interview excerpted here.

Am I a bad human being?

So just read the epic plays below. It speaks to me on a level that the theatre never has. I'd like to see this performed in the basement of someone's parents house in Oklahoma or Michigan to really drive home the message.

So after reading that, I decided it was time for a good cry. I found out there are episodes of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, featuring all American metro d00d Ty Pennington. So I picked the first one, but on the "tonight on this episode of..." preview, the family who's life Ty and the team were gunna turn upside down had a kid
with some rare disease where he can't get full and can literally eat himself to death. They had a lock on their fridge. I decided it was entirely too depressing and flipped to an episode about a family that adopted 4 little Kazahkstani kids, one of which is a triple amputee 8 yr old who surfs and runs races.... much more uplifting. Actually, its
wrapping up and haven't even cried but a couple of times...TRIPLE AMPUTEE KAZAKHSTANI ADOPTEE!!.... dear lord, ABC.

I know we discussed this, but I think it bears repeating. While this show is a cryer's porn (and really the only thing that beats it for a good cry is the second half of Titanic. Nothing beats the second half of Titanic) the show is pretty disgusting. Product placement, exploitation of America's struggling, and no delving further into WHY these families are in these situations in the first place. A majority of the families they help can't support their family or fix up their home because all of their money goes to financial bills. People like the hilarious 9 year old born paralyzed from the waist down AND his dad has Lou Gherig's disease. LOU GHERIGS DISEASE!Who has that?! The guy who's son was born paralyzed from the waist down! And they're living on a high school football coach's salary. Geezeus USA. And the really f'ed up part, most of these people who live in homes that are literally falling down, have mortgages. Or two. They're making payments on shitholes! Ah the American dream.

Ugh. How can one ABC family-oriented show simultaneously renew my faith in the human spirit and make me disappointed to have been spit out of a vagina in this land we supposedly should be proud of...

THURSDAY NIGHT: ACT THREE

Scene: the following Sunday night at a karaoke bar, midnight.

ELSA, MADDIE and JENNY are drinking beers after work. SOMEONE is performing the SPICE GIRLS "Wannabe."

ELSA: Jenny, what's the deal with you and Doug? Are you guys, like, togeths?

JENNY: Wellllll, sort of. But I don't know if I really like him... and I sort of have feelings for someone else.

MADDIE: Mmmm-hmmmm.

ELSA: Uh, who?!

JENNY: Well, almost everyone at work knows that Nick and I were sleeping together a while ago...

ELSA: [ahem] oooooooh.

MADDIE: You just need to talk to him about it.

JENNY: Yeah, I don't know...

ELSA: I kinda feel like Nick is one of those people who only want what they can't have.

JENNY: I know. He was in love with a lesbian a while ago.

MARVIN GAYE starts playing from the karaoke stage. ELSA looks to the front of the bar and sees ANDREW singing "Sexual Heeling."

ELSA: Oh god.

MADDIE: Ha! Andrew! Hey, didn't you guys make out a while ago?

ELSA: Uh, yeah.

JENNY: Oh, I remember when Tara told everyone at work!

ELSA: God, i know. I wanted to kill her.

MADDIE: You can't do ANYTHING at that place without Tara telling everyone.

ANDREW finishes singing.

ELSA: I'm gonna go say hi to this guy.

ELSA gets up and goes over to Andrew's table. She puts her hand on his shoulder.

ELSA: Hey.

ANDREW looks suprised and smiles.

ANDREW: Hey! Who are you here with?

ELSA: Just the ladies.

ANDREW reaches to touch ELSA's earrings.

ELSA: Nice work up there.

ANDREW: Thanks. Trying to think of what to do next.

ELSA notices a book on the table.

ELSA: Are you reading Sylvia Plath?

ANDREW: Yeah. I just started it.

ELSA: Don't put your head in the oven.

ANDREW: What?

ELSA: That's how she killed herself.

ANDREW: Don't ruin the ending for me!

ELSA: You should sing ELO next.

ANDREW: I don't know any ELO songs.

ELSA: Fleetwood Mac.

ANDREW: Out of my range.

ELSA: Boston.

ANDREW: Garbage.

ELSA: Animal Collective.

ANDREW: yeah, if i wanted to mumble for four minutes.

ELSA: Prince. Purple Rain.

ANDREW: Yes. I'm gonna go sign up right now.

ELSA gets some beers and brings them back to MADDIE and JENNY.

MADDIE: Ah, your man. You should sing with him!

ELSA: Uh, no.

MADDIE: That would so romantic!

ELSA: Definitely not.

MADDIE: Jen, you gotta talk to Nick.

ELSA: [ahem.] But it's like, do you really wanna have a relationship with that guy? No.

JENNY: Yeah, i know. You know him and Mere used to date, right?

ELSA: Yeah, I did hear that.

JENNY: I just like him because he's passionate... Doug is so logical. Like, the other day he came up behind me in the back room and was like "so how serious are you about this doug guy?" and he texted me the other night at 1 to see if i wanted to come over.

ELSA: Ok. ok. I have to tell you something.

MADDIE: You know something.

JENNY: Tara slept with him.

ELSA: No.

JENNY: You slept with him.

ELSA: [pause] no.

ELSA reaches for MADDIES beer and finishes it.

ELSA: Ok. I have have to tell you. Sister to sister.

MADDIE and JENNY: What is it?!?

ELSA: ok. I haven't told ANYONE this. but you have to know.

PRINCE starts playing from the stage and ANDREW is at the microphone.

ANDREW: This is a little something called Purple Rain, and it goes out to ELSA.

MADDIE: Your man! You have to go up and sing with him.

ELSA: Good christ no.

JENNY: Tell me!

ELSA: First of all, Nick and I have been making out a few times over the past couple months and I also just found out that he like JUST boned Mere.

JENNY: Wow. What?

ELSA: Yeah, I know. We had plans to hang out the other night but didn't, then I found out that Mere was texting him and they'd just boned.

MADDIE: Oh god. I can't believe I've been pushing for this guy. Fuck him.

ELSA: I know. We made out at work like last week. I had no idea he was also playing you.

JENNY: Oh my god. Fuck him. I'm going to make fun of how short he is from now on.

ELSA: Good. Sorry. But I just had to tell you before you dump anyone for him.

JENNY: Yeah, I'm definitely glad you did.


PURPLE RAIN ends. ANDREW walks back to his table. ELSA briefly contemplates going over to say something to him.

JENNY: I'm texting him right now. I won't tell him you told me anything. Fuck that guy.

MADDIE: Yeah, wow. What a douche. You should just make fun of his small hands.

ELSA watches ANDREW walk out of the bar with THE BELL JAR.


JENNY: I'm texting him: "just heard some stories. we can be friends and work together, but absolutely nothing else."

MADDIE: Good work, girl.

JENNY: Kinda feel like dudes are all d-bags?

MADDIE: Not mine! Hey! Where'd your man go, Els?

ELSA: I think he left...


ELSA, MADDIE and JENNY all take sips of their beer.


FIN

THURSDAY NIGHT: ACT TWO

Scene: Andrew's house, 3 AM

ELSA is sipping a beer. ANDREW is carrying a pizza box. They walk into the house. ANDREW'S MOM is on the couch.

ANDREW: Hey Mom. This is my friend Elsa.

ELSA: Oh hi.

ANDREW'S MOM: Hi.

ELSA and ANDREW walk downstairs.


ANDREW: Awk-ward. She has a TV in her room, you'd think she could watch it there.

ELSA: Oh. God.

ANDREW and ELSA sit on a leather couch, and ANDREW turns on the TV, selects the "Ricky Gervais Show" from the digital cable menu and begins to eat pizza.

ANDREW: What are you doing tomorrow?

ELSA: I have to work like, all day.

ANDREW: That sucks.

ELSA: Yeah. What are do doing?

ANDREW: Fucking nothing. Looking for jobs. I just got fired from the record store.

ELSA: Where are you looking?

ANDREW: Best buy, radio shack.

ELSA: Oh. Nice.

ANDREW: I'm too tired to make you popcorn. You want something to drink?

ELSA: Yeah, how about some juice.

ANDREW gets ELSA a glass of orange juice.

ANDREW and ELSA watch RICKY GERVAIS for a while, and when ANDREW has finished a few slices of pizza, he leans over and starts kissing ELSA. ANDREW and ELSA are making out and start taking off each others clothes until they are both naked. ANDREW gets up and comes back with condoms. They begin to have sex. ELSA is on top.

ANDREW: Don't be so loud.

ELSA: I'm not being loud.

ANDREW: The couch, I mean. It's squeaking a lot.

ELSA is too drunk to fully contemplate the fact that this is the opposite of anything she has ever wanted but does feel a vague sense of boredom and hopes ANDREW will finish up soon.

ANDREW eventually comes and ELSA rolls off.

ANDREW: That last condom ripped.

ELSA: You better be fucking kidding.

ANDREW: I am.

ELSA: Worst joke ever.

ELSA gets up to pee. She comes back to the couch and ANDREW is eating pizza and watching the Ricky Gervais Show again. ELSA covers herself in a blanket and briefly wonders what constitutes slapping someone across the face these days.

ANDREW leans over and kisses ELSA.
ELSA's phone vibrates. She reaches for it and reads a text from MERE: "what the hell happened to you guys." ELSA texts her mom that she's sleeping over at her friend's house tonight.

ELSA closes her eyes and sleeps for a moment.

ANDREW: What time do you have to work tomorrow?

ELSA: Eleven.

ANDREW: Mmm. I think I'm gonna drive you home now. You could totally stay over but it's gonna suck way more to drive in the morning.

ELSA tries to stifle a visible smirk and notices she doesn't actually care.

ELSA: Ok.

ANDREW goes into the bathroom and ELSA pulls on her pants and shirt and stuffs her bra in her purse. She finishes the orange juice.

ELSA and ANDREW get into his car and listen to RYAN ADAMS. ELSA used to listen to RYAN ADAMS when she was a freshman in college and think that some of his songs were very romantic and sweet and that RYAN ADAMS must be a pretty senstive guy and that his music might be nice to listen to with another kind, sensitive guy.

ELSA and ANDREW engage in more idle banter on the car ride to ELSA's. ELSA can't wait to be in her own bed, alone.

They pull into ELSA's driveway.

ELSA: Welp, see ya later.

ANDREW: Yeah, I'll see you later.

ANDREW leans over and kisses ELSA.

ELSA: K. Bye.

ANDREW: Bye.


ANDREW pulls out of the driveway. ELSA walks into the house, upstairs to her bed and throws her purse on the ground. She looks in the mirror and notices her FRANK ZAPPA shirt is on inside out.

Thursday Night: A play in three acts

ACT ONE

Scene: 2 am, the bar. MERE, ELSA and ANDREW are ordering their last beers.

MERE: Ah Nick hasn't texted me back.

ELSA: [ahem] oh, [ahem] what?

MERE: I'd texted him earlier and haven't heard from him.

ELSA finds NICK in her phone and texts him: "what. the fuck. don't play me with a friend." and deletes his number.

MERE: K, lets go back to our house or find a party or something.

ELSA: fuck yes. i have to drop my roommates' car off though, I'll drive you to yours and you wanna follow me home and then take me to your house?

MERE: Sure, let's go.

ANDREW: I'll meet you guys there.

MERE, ELSA and ANDREW pound their beers.

MERE AND ELSA go to ELSA'S car. ELSA turns Grizzly Bear up all the way. MERE lights a cigarette.

MERE: I fucking love this album. Actually the last guy I boned before Nick was the one who played it for me.

ELSA: Mmmm, yeah, it's pretty amazing.

MERE: So what about you and Andrew? You guys gonna make out again?

ELSA: uh, no. that was a one-time thing.

MERE: Well he's been talking about you all week. I'm glad you finally came out so he can shut up.

ELSA and MERE arrive at MERE'S house. MERE goes to get her car. ELSA sits in the car listening to Grizzly Bear.

ANDREW swings open the passenger side door, leans over and starts making out with ELSA.

ANDREW: Is this Grizzly Bear?

ELSA: duh.

ANDREW stumbles backward against the door.

ELSA: Wait, where are you going?

ANDREW: Matt's house. you guys should come afterwards.

MERE walks up to the car and hands ELSA three PBRs.

MERE: You left these here last time.

ELSA: Sick.

MERE: Ok, let's go. See ya, Andrew.

ANDREW: Matt's. After.

MERE: Yeah, we get it. We'll be there.

MERE follows ELSA to her parent's house to drop of the car. ELSA goes inside to get some more beer. ELSA gets into MERES car and cracks open a PBR.

ELSA: So, what was going on with you and Nick?

MERE: Eh, we dated a long time ago. Then I was wasted last weekend and called him. He came over, we boned. I was laughing the whole time though, and I think he was pissed.

ELSA: ha. oh. he seems like he has the biggest napolean complex ever.

MERE: UH, yeah. Also that guy has never heard of foreplay.

ELSA: mmm for some reason I can see that.

MERE: Yeah, I was just kind of bored, that's why I even called him in the first place.

ELSA looks at her phone and has 2 missed calls from Andrew. ELSA and MERE arrive at MERE's house. ANDREW and the TWO MATTS are standing in the back parking lot behind the house.

ELSA: you guys want beer?

MERE: it's gross and totally skunked.

ELSA: Yeah right, it's delicious.

TWO MATTS: yeah, sure.

ELSA: Here, you guys can split one.

THE TWO MATTS share a beer.

ANDREW: what the fuck are we doing? is there a party or not?

MATT: the one on orchard got busted, and the one on bayview is just like 4 people sitting around.

ANDREW: fuck this, I'm ordering pizza.

ANDREW orders a pizza.

Idle conversation ensues.

MERE: Ok, what are we doing? Let's at least go inside. It's not even warm out.

ELSA to ANDREW: Are you going to get that pizza?

ANDREW: Yeah, you wanna come?

ELSA: Yeah.

ANDREW: Ok guys, we're going to get the pizza. See you guys in a bit.

ELSA and ANDREW get into Andrews car. ELSA drinks a beer.

ANDREW: I'm like the best drunk driver ever. Like, better than most sober people.

ELSA doesn't really care and mumbles in response. ANDREW is going about 70 on the highway. They arrive at the pizza place and ANDREW runs in to get the pizza.

ANDREW: This is the best pizza in town. You want a piece?

ELSA: I don't eat pizza, I'm vegan.

ANDREW: Fuck you. Do you eat popcorn? I make the best popcorn ever.

ELSA: Yeah, that sounds sick.

ANDREW: Fuck the party. Let's go back to my house, I'll make you popcorn and we can watch the Ricky Gervais show.

ELSA: That sounds good.

ANDREW turns the car around and starts speeding in the opposite direction.

these seem relevant

I'm sending that one to Liz.

Ok. HRO is offish ripping us off.

OR we really need to post our good shit when we do it before others take it.



this picture was posted on HRO the other day along with this article.

Exhibit A: My pinata made for No Age for Coachella 09, filled with cigarettes, candy, and glitter




This is a photo of said pinata being totally destroyed on stage by No Age at Coachella in 2009. So no. Pinatas are not the ultimate tribute to culturally relevant humans. Pinatas WERE the ultimate tribute.... Everyone else is just catching up.

Copy this and send it to all parents and relatives

cause the NYT sez it's ok to fuck around for YEARS after schoolin:


After graduation, I spent five years wandering around doing nothing — or getting as close to it as I could manage. I was a cab driver, an obsessed moviegoer, a wanderer in the mountains of Colorado, a teacher at a crazy grand hippie school in Vermont, the manager of a movie house (who didn’t do much managing), a crewman on a ship and a doorman at a disco.


Thanks, NYT!