So you said you can't cook and are in charge of dins this Thursday; you need to give yourself more credit and OWN this jawn. Cooking= throwing some stuff I didn't measure into a pot and setting the timer for 30 minutes. I make one thing for thanksgiving every year; there used to be a recipe but I lost it and following directions is for mnstrmrs. So, here's my SUPER DANK CRANBERRY CHUTNEY. It's pretty tart, and can be served room temp or cold, which is the perfect antidote to the savory/hot fest going on in your mouth.
1 Beer (or 4, whatevs)
1 Box of wine
LCD Soundsystem pandora station
1 cup water
brown sugar
white vinegar
1 bag (or whatever) of cranberries (did you know that Ocean Spray is a co-op of cranberry farmers and one of the country's largest?)
2 apples
Some raisins
Some walnuts
Cinnamon
Allspice
Nutmeg
Ginger
Ok. Open the beer. Put the water into a medium/large saucepan, boil. Cut apples into small chunks. Same with walnuts (like 3/4 cup or so, I like a lot, but whatever you want). Finish the beer. Get another one or start on the wine. Pop cranberries into pot. Same with walnuts, raisins (like a handful) and apples. Now add an extended splash of the vinegar. Not too much, just more than a little. Now add the sugar and stir pretty well (I like about 1/3 cup of sugar; that evens out the bitterness, but if you want it sweet, add like 1/2 or 2/3 cup).
Before you put in the spices, you're gonna need another glass of wine. Ok, so do about a teaspoon of of cinnamon, a heavy sprinkle of the allspice, half that of the nutmeg, and just a pinch of the ginger. Ok, now stir pretty well. Let it boil, then turn down to low and let it simmer for about 30 minutes.
Down a few more glasses of wine and send some txts about how fucking sick LCD is, and how you kinda feel like "Drunk Girls" is the "Leaves of Grass" of our generation.
When the buzzer rings, check on it and stir. You want most of the water to have evaporated-- at this point, there will still be a quite a bit. Simmer for another 10 minutes. Ponder your feelings on Passion Pit; relevant sdtrk for an authentic DP or or neon tween jams?
Stir chutney, simmer five more mins. Decide you are going to text that bro who you're not that into but really wants to bone you just cause like, what else are you doing (besides watching four more episodes of 30 Rock on netflix)?
So when the next five mins is up, turn off the heat and let cool on the stovetop for a while (there will still be some liquid left but that's ok; it will congeal [yum] in the fridge). Pop into glass container (plastic + hot = cancer) and throw in fridge. Let the chutney chill for at least a day before serving; it's both more mild and more flavorful after relaxing for a bit. Also really f-ing good on a turkey sandwich Friday morning.
