duh.

A post about waxing mustaches

I'm not even a little Italian and every six weeks or so I look in the mirror and see a 13 year old Hispanic boy. Before he morphs into Tom Selleck, I reach for the wax and nip things in the bud. I used to go to my local Vietnamese nail place, but once they had me in the chair they would all but force themselves upon my eyebrows too, which I am in no hurry to give up.
So now I do it in the peace of my own home, with a fabulous natural kit by Parissa, a French-Canadian company. (I once tried to do my armpits too, and it was the most painful thing I've ever inflicted upon myself, so I recommend against that).
While we're on the topic of mustaches, my dad's, along with Mr. Selleck's, may be the only non-ironic ones left in the Western hemisphere.

Spirit Bear!

Srsly, how cool are bears?

just chillin with my monk bros

beware the banana foot lotion

"I wanted to go to a time when cities were cheap and full of junk, and on every street there was a shop with dusty windows that sold radiograms and soul albums with the corners cut off, or secondhand books that nobody had taken the trouble to value.... Now it's just lattes and bottles of banana foot lotion and it's difficult to see how banana foot lotion will end up producing the Patti Smiths of the twenty-first century; she needed the possibilities of the city, its apparently inexhaustible pleasures and surprises."
-- Nick Hornby on Patti Smith's new book, Just Kids, in the The Believer, June 2010.

Our New Best Friends

Das Racist! of the illuminating interview excerpted here.

THURSDAY NIGHT: ACT TWO

Scene: Andrew's house, 3 AM

ELSA is sipping a beer. ANDREW is carrying a pizza box. They walk into the house. ANDREW'S MOM is on the couch.

ANDREW: Hey Mom. This is my friend Elsa.

ELSA: Oh hi.

ANDREW'S MOM: Hi.

ELSA and ANDREW walk downstairs.


ANDREW: Awk-ward. She has a TV in her room, you'd think she could watch it there.

ELSA: Oh. God.

ANDREW and ELSA sit on a leather couch, and ANDREW turns on the TV, selects the "Ricky Gervais Show" from the digital cable menu and begins to eat pizza.

ANDREW: What are you doing tomorrow?

ELSA: I have to work like, all day.

ANDREW: That sucks.

ELSA: Yeah. What are do doing?

ANDREW: Fucking nothing. Looking for jobs. I just got fired from the record store.

ELSA: Where are you looking?

ANDREW: Best buy, radio shack.

ELSA: Oh. Nice.

ANDREW: I'm too tired to make you popcorn. You want something to drink?

ELSA: Yeah, how about some juice.

ANDREW gets ELSA a glass of orange juice.

ANDREW and ELSA watch RICKY GERVAIS for a while, and when ANDREW has finished a few slices of pizza, he leans over and starts kissing ELSA. ANDREW and ELSA are making out and start taking off each others clothes until they are both naked. ANDREW gets up and comes back with condoms. They begin to have sex. ELSA is on top.

ANDREW: Don't be so loud.

ELSA: I'm not being loud.

ANDREW: The couch, I mean. It's squeaking a lot.

ELSA is too drunk to fully contemplate the fact that this is the opposite of anything she has ever wanted but does feel a vague sense of boredom and hopes ANDREW will finish up soon.

ANDREW eventually comes and ELSA rolls off.

ANDREW: That last condom ripped.

ELSA: You better be fucking kidding.

ANDREW: I am.

ELSA: Worst joke ever.

ELSA gets up to pee. She comes back to the couch and ANDREW is eating pizza and watching the Ricky Gervais Show again. ELSA covers herself in a blanket and briefly wonders what constitutes slapping someone across the face these days.

ANDREW leans over and kisses ELSA.
ELSA's phone vibrates. She reaches for it and reads a text from MERE: "what the hell happened to you guys." ELSA texts her mom that she's sleeping over at her friend's house tonight.

ELSA closes her eyes and sleeps for a moment.

ANDREW: What time do you have to work tomorrow?

ELSA: Eleven.

ANDREW: Mmm. I think I'm gonna drive you home now. You could totally stay over but it's gonna suck way more to drive in the morning.

ELSA tries to stifle a visible smirk and notices she doesn't actually care.

ELSA: Ok.

ANDREW goes into the bathroom and ELSA pulls on her pants and shirt and stuffs her bra in her purse. She finishes the orange juice.

ELSA and ANDREW get into his car and listen to RYAN ADAMS. ELSA used to listen to RYAN ADAMS when she was a freshman in college and think that some of his songs were very romantic and sweet and that RYAN ADAMS must be a pretty senstive guy and that his music might be nice to listen to with another kind, sensitive guy.

ELSA and ANDREW engage in more idle banter on the car ride to ELSA's. ELSA can't wait to be in her own bed, alone.

They pull into ELSA's driveway.

ELSA: Welp, see ya later.

ANDREW: Yeah, I'll see you later.

ANDREW leans over and kisses ELSA.

ELSA: K. Bye.

ANDREW: Bye.


ANDREW pulls out of the driveway. ELSA walks into the house, upstairs to her bed and throws her purse on the ground. She looks in the mirror and notices her FRANK ZAPPA shirt is on inside out.

Thursday Night: A play in three acts

ACT ONE

Scene: 2 am, the bar. MERE, ELSA and ANDREW are ordering their last beers.

MERE: Ah Nick hasn't texted me back.

ELSA: [ahem] oh, [ahem] what?

MERE: I'd texted him earlier and haven't heard from him.

ELSA finds NICK in her phone and texts him: "what. the fuck. don't play me with a friend." and deletes his number.

MERE: K, lets go back to our house or find a party or something.

ELSA: fuck yes. i have to drop my roommates' car off though, I'll drive you to yours and you wanna follow me home and then take me to your house?

MERE: Sure, let's go.

ANDREW: I'll meet you guys there.

MERE, ELSA and ANDREW pound their beers.

MERE AND ELSA go to ELSA'S car. ELSA turns Grizzly Bear up all the way. MERE lights a cigarette.

MERE: I fucking love this album. Actually the last guy I boned before Nick was the one who played it for me.

ELSA: Mmmm, yeah, it's pretty amazing.

MERE: So what about you and Andrew? You guys gonna make out again?

ELSA: uh, no. that was a one-time thing.

MERE: Well he's been talking about you all week. I'm glad you finally came out so he can shut up.

ELSA and MERE arrive at MERE'S house. MERE goes to get her car. ELSA sits in the car listening to Grizzly Bear.

ANDREW swings open the passenger side door, leans over and starts making out with ELSA.

ANDREW: Is this Grizzly Bear?

ELSA: duh.

ANDREW stumbles backward against the door.

ELSA: Wait, where are you going?

ANDREW: Matt's house. you guys should come afterwards.

MERE walks up to the car and hands ELSA three PBRs.

MERE: You left these here last time.

ELSA: Sick.

MERE: Ok, let's go. See ya, Andrew.

ANDREW: Matt's. After.

MERE: Yeah, we get it. We'll be there.

MERE follows ELSA to her parent's house to drop of the car. ELSA goes inside to get some more beer. ELSA gets into MERES car and cracks open a PBR.

ELSA: So, what was going on with you and Nick?

MERE: Eh, we dated a long time ago. Then I was wasted last weekend and called him. He came over, we boned. I was laughing the whole time though, and I think he was pissed.

ELSA: ha. oh. he seems like he has the biggest napolean complex ever.

MERE: UH, yeah. Also that guy has never heard of foreplay.

ELSA: mmm for some reason I can see that.

MERE: Yeah, I was just kind of bored, that's why I even called him in the first place.

ELSA looks at her phone and has 2 missed calls from Andrew. ELSA and MERE arrive at MERE's house. ANDREW and the TWO MATTS are standing in the back parking lot behind the house.

ELSA: you guys want beer?

MERE: it's gross and totally skunked.

ELSA: Yeah right, it's delicious.

TWO MATTS: yeah, sure.

ELSA: Here, you guys can split one.

THE TWO MATTS share a beer.

ANDREW: what the fuck are we doing? is there a party or not?

MATT: the one on orchard got busted, and the one on bayview is just like 4 people sitting around.

ANDREW: fuck this, I'm ordering pizza.

ANDREW orders a pizza.

Idle conversation ensues.

MERE: Ok, what are we doing? Let's at least go inside. It's not even warm out.

ELSA to ANDREW: Are you going to get that pizza?

ANDREW: Yeah, you wanna come?

ELSA: Yeah.

ANDREW: Ok guys, we're going to get the pizza. See you guys in a bit.

ELSA and ANDREW get into Andrews car. ELSA drinks a beer.

ANDREW: I'm like the best drunk driver ever. Like, better than most sober people.

ELSA doesn't really care and mumbles in response. ANDREW is going about 70 on the highway. They arrive at the pizza place and ANDREW runs in to get the pizza.

ANDREW: This is the best pizza in town. You want a piece?

ELSA: I don't eat pizza, I'm vegan.

ANDREW: Fuck you. Do you eat popcorn? I make the best popcorn ever.

ELSA: Yeah, that sounds sick.

ANDREW: Fuck the party. Let's go back to my house, I'll make you popcorn and we can watch the Ricky Gervais show.

ELSA: That sounds good.

ANDREW turns the car around and starts speeding in the opposite direction.

Ok. HRO is offish ripping us off.

OR we really need to post our good shit when we do it before others take it.



this picture was posted on HRO the other day along with this article.

Exhibit A: My pinata made for No Age for Coachella 09, filled with cigarettes, candy, and glitter




This is a photo of said pinata being totally destroyed on stage by No Age at Coachella in 2009. So no. Pinatas are not the ultimate tribute to culturally relevant humans. Pinatas WERE the ultimate tribute.... Everyone else is just catching up.