Showing posts with label tainted love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label tainted love. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Saturday, January 29, 2011
question, answer.
via the hairpin.
So I've been "seeing" (i.e. boning) this guy for a couple weeks. I haven't gone down on him yet because I wasn't sure he'd reciprocate and that pisses me off. So tonight, he said "you're not too much of a feminist to go down on a guy, are you?" to which I responded truthfully that I'm not, DUH. I actually really enjoy it (but, I do have issues with people who feel it's perfectly fine for me to go down when they find the reverse unappealing). Then he goes, "good, because I'm too masculine to go down on a girl." UM, WHAT!? was my inner response although I'd sort of expected it since he hadn't made any moves (but was still kind of hoping he'd come around; he's a bit inexperienced/very young and I thought maybe he was just afraid to botch it). I told him that some dudes love it, at which point he told me some dudes are weird and asked if I'd ever done it (negative, for the record, which seemed to weaken my point in his eyes).
So here's my question: this is what I want, but I feel weird/manipulative holding BJs hostage in return for something he clearly isn't interested in/ready for. Is it unfair to pressure him like that? Plus, it's obviously no fun for me if he's gritting his teeth (so to speak) through the whole thing. But at this point I also don't want to give him a free ride on my mouth. Should I lose this guy or is there an appropriate and effective way to approach this? Oh, also, we work together. Also, is he gay? I have never encountered this before.
WELL. First? Too much of a feminist? I like to think of myself as a "male ally" in really the most humorless of Dude-Feminist fashions. I also really like a blowjob now and again. And since I was wary of defensively mainsplaining around this particular topic, I wound up googling "feminist blowjobs" before answering this question. Thankfully, the feminist blogosphere gave up a post by the fantastic Jill Filipovic (one of the many smart feminist bloggers this Dude reads frequently).
http://www.feministe.us/blog/archives/2006/06/19/feminist-politics-of-blowjobs/
Her post has to do with some kind of blowjob-related Internet blog controversy–the originating posts of which appear to no longer be online–but nevertheless is pretty independently cogent on the score of how mutually respectful partners can start a conversation about de-patriarching the oral. (If they want to! Choices for everyone!)
But back to like the advice I guess? I don't even wanna execute a search for "too masculine to get face down in a vagina." Essentially, this is because you say this guy is young. I have no idea how old you are, nor what "very young" means to you–but I think you should a) try not to take this personally and b) blame it on his age. He doesn't know the gospel of vagina worship! He has not accepted the well-pleasured clit as his personal redeemer! That's cool. It calls to different men at different times. But even an inexperienced dude is aware of the power and mystery of the whole god-shaped vagina-kissing-hole in his soul–and can be a little bit scared by that emptiness in his repertoire. For all I know, your guy may have just recently figured out how to get his dick-swerve on, and he might want to stay within the realm of the familiar and be feeling that power for a while. Presumably you're into what he's capable of doing on that level, and so there's no immediate reason to boot him.
Still, his semi-hostile narrowness on the oral front obviously has the potential to bring you down in a comprehensive way over the long haul. Ultimately you'll want him to trust you enough to bust through his comfort zone and get down. There are ways you can help him through this, instead of turning it into a blowjob-withholding fight straight from the drop–especially since it seems you're significantly older, and since you like giving blowjobs. (SIDE NOTE: pretending not to like things that you actually do like will only make things more confusing for a young guy. Or hell, for lots of older guys, too. Avoid doing this, if at all possible.)
A guy who is told that other guys like things or can do things that he doesn't do in the bedroom will often react by calling those other guys "weird." Those other boys are the ones with the problem, got it? That's natural, because he's feeling inadequate. But you know what else is natural? Being sexually proud as fuck that you're with an older chick who TEACHES YOU THINGS IN THE BEDROOM. If you can turn him into that character, psychologically, he'll sign up for all the advanced placement tests. Has he met your older friends? Maybe he should! And maybe when you're all out for drinks, one of them can casually tell your boy-not-yet-a-man how impressed she is that he can hang with you. How he's really stepping up and being a man by vaulting from his age cohort and into yours. There are other ways to do this. You get the idea. You're going to solve the problem of repertoire-fear long before you solve the problem of men being entirely too much in thrall to their egos. But one outta two ain't bad.
So I've been "seeing" (i.e. boning) this guy for a couple weeks. I haven't gone down on him yet because I wasn't sure he'd reciprocate and that pisses me off. So tonight, he said "you're not too much of a feminist to go down on a guy, are you?" to which I responded truthfully that I'm not, DUH. I actually really enjoy it (but, I do have issues with people who feel it's perfectly fine for me to go down when they find the reverse unappealing). Then he goes, "good, because I'm too masculine to go down on a girl." UM, WHAT!? was my inner response although I'd sort of expected it since he hadn't made any moves (but was still kind of hoping he'd come around; he's a bit inexperienced/very young and I thought maybe he was just afraid to botch it). I told him that some dudes love it, at which point he told me some dudes are weird and asked if I'd ever done it (negative, for the record, which seemed to weaken my point in his eyes).
So here's my question: this is what I want, but I feel weird/manipulative holding BJs hostage in return for something he clearly isn't interested in/ready for. Is it unfair to pressure him like that? Plus, it's obviously no fun for me if he's gritting his teeth (so to speak) through the whole thing. But at this point I also don't want to give him a free ride on my mouth. Should I lose this guy or is there an appropriate and effective way to approach this? Oh, also, we work together. Also, is he gay? I have never encountered this before.
WELL. First? Too much of a feminist? I like to think of myself as a "male ally" in really the most humorless of Dude-Feminist fashions. I also really like a blowjob now and again. And since I was wary of defensively mainsplaining around this particular topic, I wound up googling "feminist blowjobs" before answering this question. Thankfully, the feminist blogosphere gave up a post by the fantastic Jill Filipovic (one of the many smart feminist bloggers this Dude reads frequently).
http://www.feministe.us/blog/archives/2006/06/19/feminist-politics-of-blowjobs/
Her post has to do with some kind of blowjob-related Internet blog controversy–the originating posts of which appear to no longer be online–but nevertheless is pretty independently cogent on the score of how mutually respectful partners can start a conversation about de-patriarching the oral. (If they want to! Choices for everyone!)
But back to like the advice I guess? I don't even wanna execute a search for "too masculine to get face down in a vagina." Essentially, this is because you say this guy is young. I have no idea how old you are, nor what "very young" means to you–but I think you should a) try not to take this personally and b) blame it on his age. He doesn't know the gospel of vagina worship! He has not accepted the well-pleasured clit as his personal redeemer! That's cool. It calls to different men at different times. But even an inexperienced dude is aware of the power and mystery of the whole god-shaped vagina-kissing-hole in his soul–and can be a little bit scared by that emptiness in his repertoire. For all I know, your guy may have just recently figured out how to get his dick-swerve on, and he might want to stay within the realm of the familiar and be feeling that power for a while. Presumably you're into what he's capable of doing on that level, and so there's no immediate reason to boot him.
Still, his semi-hostile narrowness on the oral front obviously has the potential to bring you down in a comprehensive way over the long haul. Ultimately you'll want him to trust you enough to bust through his comfort zone and get down. There are ways you can help him through this, instead of turning it into a blowjob-withholding fight straight from the drop–especially since it seems you're significantly older, and since you like giving blowjobs. (SIDE NOTE: pretending not to like things that you actually do like will only make things more confusing for a young guy. Or hell, for lots of older guys, too. Avoid doing this, if at all possible.)
A guy who is told that other guys like things or can do things that he doesn't do in the bedroom will often react by calling those other guys "weird." Those other boys are the ones with the problem, got it? That's natural, because he's feeling inadequate. But you know what else is natural? Being sexually proud as fuck that you're with an older chick who TEACHES YOU THINGS IN THE BEDROOM. If you can turn him into that character, psychologically, he'll sign up for all the advanced placement tests. Has he met your older friends? Maybe he should! And maybe when you're all out for drinks, one of them can casually tell your boy-not-yet-a-man how impressed she is that he can hang with you. How he's really stepping up and being a man by vaulting from his age cohort and into yours. There are other ways to do this. You get the idea. You're going to solve the problem of repertoire-fear long before you solve the problem of men being entirely too much in thrall to their egos. But one outta two ain't bad.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
THURSDAY NIGHT: ACT THREE
Scene: the following Sunday night at a karaoke bar, midnight.
ELSA, MADDIE and JENNY are drinking beers after work. SOMEONE is performing the SPICE GIRLS "Wannabe."
ELSA: Jenny, what's the deal with you and Doug? Are you guys, like, togeths?
JENNY: Wellllll, sort of. But I don't know if I really like him... and I sort of have feelings for someone else.
MADDIE: Mmmm-hmmmm.
ELSA: Uh, who?!
JENNY: Well, almost everyone at work knows that Nick and I were sleeping together a while ago...
ELSA: [ahem] oooooooh.
MADDIE: You just need to talk to him about it.
JENNY: Yeah, I don't know...
ELSA: I kinda feel like Nick is one of those people who only want what they can't have.
JENNY: I know. He was in love with a lesbian a while ago.
MARVIN GAYE starts playing from the karaoke stage. ELSA looks to the front of the bar and sees ANDREW singing "Sexual Heeling."
ELSA: Oh god.
MADDIE: Ha! Andrew! Hey, didn't you guys make out a while ago?
ELSA: Uh, yeah.
JENNY: Oh, I remember when Tara told everyone at work!
ELSA: God, i know. I wanted to kill her.
MADDIE: You can't do ANYTHING at that place without Tara telling everyone.
ANDREW finishes singing.
ELSA: I'm gonna go say hi to this guy.
ELSA gets up and goes over to Andrew's table. She puts her hand on his shoulder.
ELSA: Hey.
ANDREW looks suprised and smiles.
ANDREW: Hey! Who are you here with?
ELSA: Just the ladies.
ANDREW reaches to touch ELSA's earrings.
ELSA: Nice work up there.
ANDREW: Thanks. Trying to think of what to do next.
ELSA notices a book on the table.
ELSA: Are you reading Sylvia Plath?
ANDREW: Yeah. I just started it.
ELSA: Don't put your head in the oven.
ANDREW: What?
ELSA: That's how she killed herself.
ANDREW: Don't ruin the ending for me!
ELSA: You should sing ELO next.
ANDREW: I don't know any ELO songs.
ELSA: Fleetwood Mac.
ANDREW: Out of my range.
ELSA: Boston.
ANDREW: Garbage.
ELSA: Animal Collective.
ANDREW: yeah, if i wanted to mumble for four minutes.
ELSA: Prince. Purple Rain.
ANDREW: Yes. I'm gonna go sign up right now.
ELSA gets some beers and brings them back to MADDIE and JENNY.
MADDIE: Ah, your man. You should sing with him!
ELSA: Uh, no.
MADDIE: That would so romantic!
ELSA: Definitely not.
MADDIE: Jen, you gotta talk to Nick.
ELSA: [ahem.] But it's like, do you really wanna have a relationship with that guy? No.
JENNY: Yeah, i know. You know him and Mere used to date, right?
ELSA: Yeah, I did hear that.
JENNY: I just like him because he's passionate... Doug is so logical. Like, the other day he came up behind me in the back room and was like "so how serious are you about this doug guy?" and he texted me the other night at 1 to see if i wanted to come over.
ELSA: Ok. ok. I have to tell you something.
MADDIE: You know something.
JENNY: Tara slept with him.
ELSA: No.
JENNY: You slept with him.
ELSA: [pause] no.
ELSA reaches for MADDIES beer and finishes it.
ELSA: Ok. I have have to tell you. Sister to sister.
MADDIE and JENNY: What is it?!?
ELSA: ok. I haven't told ANYONE this. but you have to know.
PRINCE starts playing from the stage and ANDREW is at the microphone.
ANDREW: This is a little something called Purple Rain, and it goes out to ELSA.
MADDIE: Your man! You have to go up and sing with him.
ELSA: Good christ no.
JENNY: Tell me!
ELSA: First of all, Nick and I have been making out a few times over the past couple months and I also just found out that he like JUST boned Mere.
JENNY: Wow. What?
ELSA: Yeah, I know. We had plans to hang out the other night but didn't, then I found out that Mere was texting him and they'd just boned.
MADDIE: Oh god. I can't believe I've been pushing for this guy. Fuck him.
ELSA: I know. We made out at work like last week. I had no idea he was also playing you.
JENNY: Oh my god. Fuck him. I'm going to make fun of how short he is from now on.
ELSA: Good. Sorry. But I just had to tell you before you dump anyone for him.
JENNY: Yeah, I'm definitely glad you did.
PURPLE RAIN ends. ANDREW walks back to his table. ELSA briefly contemplates going over to say something to him.
JENNY: I'm texting him right now. I won't tell him you told me anything. Fuck that guy.
MADDIE: Yeah, wow. What a douche. You should just make fun of his small hands.
ELSA watches ANDREW walk out of the bar with THE BELL JAR.
JENNY: I'm texting him: "just heard some stories. we can be friends and work together, but absolutely nothing else."
MADDIE: Good work, girl.
JENNY: Kinda feel like dudes are all d-bags?
MADDIE: Not mine! Hey! Where'd your man go, Els?
ELSA: I think he left...
ELSA, MADDIE and JENNY all take sips of their beer.
FIN
ELSA, MADDIE and JENNY are drinking beers after work. SOMEONE is performing the SPICE GIRLS "Wannabe."
ELSA: Jenny, what's the deal with you and Doug? Are you guys, like, togeths?
JENNY: Wellllll, sort of. But I don't know if I really like him... and I sort of have feelings for someone else.
MADDIE: Mmmm-hmmmm.
ELSA: Uh, who?!
JENNY: Well, almost everyone at work knows that Nick and I were sleeping together a while ago...
ELSA: [ahem] oooooooh.
MADDIE: You just need to talk to him about it.
JENNY: Yeah, I don't know...
ELSA: I kinda feel like Nick is one of those people who only want what they can't have.
JENNY: I know. He was in love with a lesbian a while ago.
MARVIN GAYE starts playing from the karaoke stage. ELSA looks to the front of the bar and sees ANDREW singing "Sexual Heeling."
ELSA: Oh god.
MADDIE: Ha! Andrew! Hey, didn't you guys make out a while ago?
ELSA: Uh, yeah.
JENNY: Oh, I remember when Tara told everyone at work!
ELSA: God, i know. I wanted to kill her.
MADDIE: You can't do ANYTHING at that place without Tara telling everyone.
ANDREW finishes singing.
ELSA: I'm gonna go say hi to this guy.
ELSA gets up and goes over to Andrew's table. She puts her hand on his shoulder.
ELSA: Hey.
ANDREW looks suprised and smiles.
ANDREW: Hey! Who are you here with?
ELSA: Just the ladies.
ANDREW reaches to touch ELSA's earrings.
ELSA: Nice work up there.
ANDREW: Thanks. Trying to think of what to do next.
ELSA notices a book on the table.
ELSA: Are you reading Sylvia Plath?
ANDREW: Yeah. I just started it.
ELSA: Don't put your head in the oven.
ANDREW: What?
ELSA: That's how she killed herself.
ANDREW: Don't ruin the ending for me!
ELSA: You should sing ELO next.
ANDREW: I don't know any ELO songs.
ELSA: Fleetwood Mac.
ANDREW: Out of my range.
ELSA: Boston.
ANDREW: Garbage.
ELSA: Animal Collective.
ANDREW: yeah, if i wanted to mumble for four minutes.
ELSA: Prince. Purple Rain.
ANDREW: Yes. I'm gonna go sign up right now.
ELSA gets some beers and brings them back to MADDIE and JENNY.
MADDIE: Ah, your man. You should sing with him!
ELSA: Uh, no.
MADDIE: That would so romantic!
ELSA: Definitely not.
MADDIE: Jen, you gotta talk to Nick.
ELSA: [ahem.] But it's like, do you really wanna have a relationship with that guy? No.
JENNY: Yeah, i know. You know him and Mere used to date, right?
ELSA: Yeah, I did hear that.
JENNY: I just like him because he's passionate... Doug is so logical. Like, the other day he came up behind me in the back room and was like "so how serious are you about this doug guy?" and he texted me the other night at 1 to see if i wanted to come over.
ELSA: Ok. ok. I have to tell you something.
MADDIE: You know something.
JENNY: Tara slept with him.
ELSA: No.
JENNY: You slept with him.
ELSA: [pause] no.
ELSA reaches for MADDIES beer and finishes it.
ELSA: Ok. I have have to tell you. Sister to sister.
MADDIE and JENNY: What is it?!?
ELSA: ok. I haven't told ANYONE this. but you have to know.
PRINCE starts playing from the stage and ANDREW is at the microphone.
ANDREW: This is a little something called Purple Rain, and it goes out to ELSA.
MADDIE: Your man! You have to go up and sing with him.
ELSA: Good christ no.
JENNY: Tell me!
ELSA: First of all, Nick and I have been making out a few times over the past couple months and I also just found out that he like JUST boned Mere.
JENNY: Wow. What?
ELSA: Yeah, I know. We had plans to hang out the other night but didn't, then I found out that Mere was texting him and they'd just boned.
MADDIE: Oh god. I can't believe I've been pushing for this guy. Fuck him.
ELSA: I know. We made out at work like last week. I had no idea he was also playing you.
JENNY: Oh my god. Fuck him. I'm going to make fun of how short he is from now on.
ELSA: Good. Sorry. But I just had to tell you before you dump anyone for him.
JENNY: Yeah, I'm definitely glad you did.
PURPLE RAIN ends. ANDREW walks back to his table. ELSA briefly contemplates going over to say something to him.
JENNY: I'm texting him right now. I won't tell him you told me anything. Fuck that guy.
MADDIE: Yeah, wow. What a douche. You should just make fun of his small hands.
ELSA watches ANDREW walk out of the bar with THE BELL JAR.
JENNY: I'm texting him: "just heard some stories. we can be friends and work together, but absolutely nothing else."
MADDIE: Good work, girl.
JENNY: Kinda feel like dudes are all d-bags?
MADDIE: Not mine! Hey! Where'd your man go, Els?
ELSA: I think he left...
ELSA, MADDIE and JENNY all take sips of their beer.
FIN
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Copy of a copy of a copy...
Did you know Tainted Love by Soft Cell was done by Gloria Jones in 1964 and it was a flop until Soft Cell redid it in the late 70s?!
And the OG is so goood!
Just another eg of how everything is a copy of a copy of a copy. Makes me realize that this idea of a completely OG idea is not only unattainable, but probably a Sisyphean task in itself. All we can hope for is to take those ideas that are already around us and inspirational imbibe them with soul of our own. And not that cheesy, Christian notion of a soul. I'm talkin' STAX recordings, R-E-S-P-E-C-T Soul!
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